She called me a cow!

I don't usually write sappy entries but this one deserves some recognition as I've been thinking about it for a couple of days now and the events of today kinda triggered the last bit of inspiration I needed to actually sit down and write this. It's not a beautiful love letter, but merely a recollection of feelings and thoughts. Some of them may come out wrong, but conveying these feelings is sometimes hard on writing. I am no expert writer and my vocabulary and wit can be limited at times (Thankfully I managed to keep this entry clear from dick jokes) but I think the ideas behind it are good fruit for thought for some people, others may not care for it. But I managed to get it off my chest and hopefully the person I want to read this will (mainly cause I told her I'd post something here). For those of you that may come across this post, there's a TL;DR at the bottom, but it doesn't really carry the same feeling as the whole entry does.

Nay and I were sitting today looking at her old notebooks that contained information of her life years before. Past relationships, breakdowns, happy moments, drawings, you name it. It got me wondering about my own evolution and how she and I have grown out of the "emo shell" and changed our look on the world so drastically.

If any of my past online girlfriends read this they might throw a fit or two at me but they have to agree, most online relationships are set to fail...If I would've known this I wouldn't have gotten involved with the exception of maybe a certain lady from Wisconsin who, being older than I was taught me a great deal on life on how to face certain things. Without her guidance in my angsty years I made a lot of mistakes...If only I would've listened to her. I've been in quite a couple of relationships. Weird to say about a guy with my body structure: tall, chubby...is a huge nerd/geek, wears glasses and is pretty antisocial. I was never the party type but I always managed to meet some woman girl that took my breath away and I took hers as well...Or so I thought.

Most relationships I've been in have been full of lies, deceit and lots of cheating...LOTS. From the first long distance girlfriend that was scared of me cheating but was great friends with another male friend of mine (emphasis on great) lead the relationship spiraling down into a huge fuckbomb of insults to the ex-girlfriend who couldn't have enough god damn cosplay in her life, I broke things up and she filed a lawsuit against me cause of emotional abuse. Yeah, apparently I only attract the crazy ones. But I'm derailing the topic to the point I'm trying to get to (or am I?). Evolution.

I always kinda knew about my significant other's past relationships, yet she never spoke too much about them, I just knew what kinda went on. On the other hand, I wouldn't shut up about my past. My family says it's wrong for you to speak about the past so much with your significant other. Why, though? Shouldn't the person I'm with know why I'm so freaked out at her going to another room with 5 guys fearing she might start blowing them off while she does the macarena? She has every right to know. And regardless of what my past is, I'm very open with my experiences in life. The fact I remember them does not mean I cherish them or miss them (yeah, like I LOVE to get cheated on and played with). As I was reading Nay's notebooks I was thinking..."Damn, this relationship must've sucked for you" but she was indeed happy. She didn't have to deal with any bullshit of getting cheated on (or so she believes...In an online relationship you never know. But hey the guy could've been faithful.) yet, I strolled into the picture and pulled her away from this fantasy where she was decently happy...What the fuck am I doing? Which led me to analyze our relationship.

Those letters are over 3 years old. Letters about sadness and emptiness and longing to be with a person...3 years ago I was writing about the same thing. People often can't find what they truly desire in a relationship and they strive for something over the top. People fall in love with friends and then they shy away their feelings, worried about ruining a relationship...A friendship, if you will. See, Nay and I did something uncanny (for me anyway) we got to know each other on a very personal level but we escalated from that to actual dating. We would talk about how our relationships were going nowhere and we would give each other advice on the matter. We liked hanging out with each other but that was it. I always thought a girl like that was way out of my league so I never really tried to hit on her...She was is truly a gem. I used to call her my ray of sunshine in the early morning. Since I would see her at my first class of the day...While I was extremely groggy. Later on, I ended my last relationship and sought shelter in friendship since I can't stand being alone. Nay was there.



Nay back then seemed like the weirdest girl ever (Now I just deny she's human altogether). We would sometimes strike up conversations about random stuff to quickly jump to some other subject without even ending the previous one. She had an obsession with Pocky and sweets overall, which led me to believe that was the reason of her inhuman hyperness. She then started opening up even more about her relationship once I asked her about it. It was online. My expertise on that kind of relationship left me indirectly giving her my advice: "Don't get your hopes up." I always said and I would see her eyes getting watery. I felt like a monster, but I was thinking ahead when she would eventually call me at 4 in the morning about how her online boyfriend was a jerk for not coming over on christmas for the 5th time. I was already used to being the shoulder most girls would cry on about their boyfriends...I was expecting the same thing from her.

I remember inviting her over for a D&D session with Javi, Snoop and Kabuto. I told the guys "Do NOT hit on this girl." Mainly because admittedly I liked her. I was too much of a pussy to actually make a move on her since I didn't think she saw me that way, but I found it would be way too awkward to have my friends dating a girl I had a crush on...Already went through that experience...Not a good one. I was nervous. Insecure. mostly about my weight and the way I looked...Granted I'm not a gigantic 600 pound yeti, but my chubyness affects my psyche sometimes. Kabuto, snidely replied to my comment saying "But, you just got out of a relationship!". "I don't care! Don't hit on her" and they all laughed and we carried on with our D&D normally.

I was always scared she might fall for my friends. Snoop being the athletic one, being able to kill a man with his pinky, Javi being the sensitive, caring one and Kabuto being the quiet, geeky one. But I wasn't willing to separate myself from my friends cause of a girl and she was my friend after all. We carried on with D&D normally. After that, Nay and I would go out with the guys to the movies, the mall, everywhere. I got to know her family, her brother, it all felt so natural. Granted the first thing that drove me wild about her was the words "You have to meet my family." That says a lot about a woman in my eyes.

From then on, our first kiss was while listening to flaming undead babies wailing down a rainy street, chasing a woman down, savoring every shrilling cry as they start to crawl up her legs to devour her face (Yes, Silent Hill). I also remember going to her house and saying the most romantic words that have ever bloomed from my lips: "Let's cut the shit...I like being with you...Do you like being with me?". I had no need to be fancy or eccentric, this woman liked me for who I was and how I said things.

Reading back on my past and Nay's made me see how we have grown from being in this fantasy world where love is just how the songs in the radio and the media portray to something a little bit more natural. I'm happy my life has taken me to where I am (emotionally...financially? FUCK YOU LIFE!). And this relationship is what actually gets me going. The wheels of time keep spinning and intertwining into a beautiful nova of events that lead from one thing to another. That is what I've been missing all these years and there's plenty more of growing to do only that I'm pretty sure this one's the one I will be growing with.

Who would've thunk that March 24th would be one of the happiest days of my life.



TL;DR: I am in love still after 2 years. And as I look back on my life I couldn't be any happier. And as I look back on her life, I am sure it has all been for the better.